Musings from the Mosh Pit…

Thoughts. Tales. Travels. Whatever.

Another post on mama September 16, 2010

Filed under: family affair,personal,something about me,thoughts — fizzywoohoo @ 4:37 am
Tags: ,
I’m not a writer.  I think I write ok and I make sure my grammar is correct and all but finding something that would urge me to write or blog …is hard.  Sometimes ideas come easy just like that *snaps fingers*, most of the time though (at least for me anyway), it’s a struggle.
I was reading through today’s yahoo news and stumbled upon an article called “The Way We Grieve Now” .  It talks about people (well, celebrities mostly) maintaining certain routines or habits as a means for them to cope with their loss.  Patrick Swayze’s wife still texts him “I love you” before boarding a flight…Michelle Williams did gardening…Gwyneth Paltrow didn’t cut her hair …while another woman kept her husband’s phone on just so that she could regularly call his voice mailbox.
This made me think of stuff that I did…or probably still doing…which is connected to my mom’s passing.  Right now, the first one I could think of is…in high school mama once told me never to have my ears pierced (other than the 2 holes I already had).  She said that it wasn’t fit for a girl to wear a lot of studs/earrings all at the same time.  I secretly wanted to have them honestly…I thought it looked pretty cool & rockin’, but because mama said “no”, I followed obediently.  When she passed, I figured, well I wouldn’t have any problems then if I did it now right?  Surprisingly, I didn’t do it right away.  Each attempt I made at having it pierced…no, just even contemplating on the idea of getting them pierced, I would always hear my mom’s voice in my head saying, “no.”  And so I followed.  7 years after (in 2004) I went ahead and finally did it.  I remember the first thing I said (after the initial “OWWWW!” of course) was “mama, please don’t be mad ha?”  I didn’t feel guilty afterwards, so I took it as a sign that it must’ve been ok with her as well.  In fact, after that first piercing, I’d gone and done it 2 times more!
There are 2 more things : one of them I don’t do anymore…and the other I still refuse to do or don’t have the heart to do…My mom and I used to go to the 5:30pm mass after malling every saturday at the Edsa Shrine Chapel beside Robinson’s Galleria.  When I started working 2 weeks after she died, I continued going to the same chapel every saturday–I couldn’t remember how long I did it but when it finally dawned upon me that the space next to me was more than just an empty seat, I almost burst into tears during a mass and decided I would stop going there (which was a shame because the place was airconditioned and it was pretty nice).  The other thing I still refuse to do up to this day?  Clean out her closet & her “baul”.  Her stuff’s still in there and I just don’t entertain the thought of going through them.
So back to the yahoo news article…it’s mentioned there that since we all have a different way of coping, some perhaps weirder than others, these actions are usually followed by shame.  “Is this normal?” is the question that comes to mind after finishing the routine or ritual.
As for me,  I think the shame kicks in when I need to talk about it but don’t want to talk about it…or refuse to talk about my feelings about it with friends because I would always think that they wouldn’t want to hear it.  I wrote about this on an earlier post and to all my friends who read this, it’s not you…I think it’s me.  I think it’s always me.  I know you’d be more than willing to listen to me…we’ve known each other too long…but I have a hard time expressing myself.  I don’t know what to do with my “sponge” habit of taking everything in.  I don’t know what to do with me sometimes.  I’m guessing this isn’t coping right? Or is it?
There it is.  I had an inspiration to write on something and now that I have (especially on a subject matter that’s quite sensitive to me)…I’ve gone and lost my train of thought.  I told you I wasn’t a writer.  Denial?  Shutting down?  That’s coping…right?  Albeit, a bad one.
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8 Responses to “Another post on mama”

  1. ulacakes Says:

    you dont know how much I want to run over to you and hug you right now 😦

    • fizzywoohoo Says:

      ula!!!! waaahhh!!! *hugs* right back to you. thanks. alam mo, i wrote this at work, and as i was walking home to the q.ave mrt that night, i wanted to cry sa street! yak! i’m not the type pa naman. so i kept biting my lips or my cheeks or my tongue para lang di ako maiyak. buti when i finally reached the mrt, mejo ok na. i thought about food na lang and what i’ll have for dinner hehehe.

      hay…hope to see you soon! =)

  2. psychic_knife Says:

    hug – lots of them!

    me mas mahaba akong isusulat for you, but… for now…

    to each her own journey, fizz. no matter how long it takes. the mere fact that you are gleaning out what you are and are not ready for and you are conscious of your process is proof that you ARE healing and WANT TO heal.

    i’m a believer that feeling sad about something that IS sad, no matter how long it happened is normal, as long as you are functioning well and you dont feel bad about it. because it shows you your humanity, and the recognition that it IS a sad event, that you are not in denial.

    ate keep on talking about it, expressing yourself, like you’re doing now, talking to us 🙂 you dont know how happy i am that you’re blogging. 🙂

    love!

    • fizzywoohoo Says:

      salamat kapatid. wala na akong ibang masabi kundi i really appreciate all the love and the friendship of my tropa. it means a lot…and also for putting up with me. i wish i could hang out with you guys more.

      i’ll wait for that letter! miss you!

  3. gigay Says:

    kapatid,

    the lost big as that will not go away… the only recourse for us is to move forward… the pain will probably be easier to take as the years roll but there are really days when, it would just gut-punch you and realize that you are feeling the lost like it was just yesterday…

    Kaptid, never ever think that you are not strong… you have your tropa who loves you dearly for all your quirks… and of course me pa… ha ha ha….

    basta, i can safely say this naman that me and the rest of your tropa are always here for you…. we love you as you are…. kasi love mo din kami with all our weirdness…. ha ha ha

    This blog is already your way of expressing your thoughts and letting things out when you’re good and ready… depende rin naman yan sa bawat tao how you want to vent… basta, we are always here for you… Love yah!

    gigay

    • fizzywoohoo Says:

      Kapatid! (Gae, ikaw to..I just realized na I called Kris Kapatid din hehe) Thanks for visiting again and for sharing your thoughts. Tulad ng sabi ko kay Ula and Kris…thank you talaga. It means a lot to me. I still get those–good days & bad days. I only find it sad na my brain works in such a way na ang dami kong di maalala–some kind of denial, defense mechanism chuva siguro. Siguro, unconsciously ayaw ko din maalala kasi malulungkot lang ako.

      Ano ba! Tropa din kita–lokaret ka din like all my other super friends and I love you guys, quirks & all.

      *hugs*hugs*hugs*

      Hope to see you soon!

      • gigay Says:

        kapatid….

        possible defense mechanism nga… it’s amazing how our brain works for us to cope with all the craziness of this world…. basta i’m here for you…. ** super hug**

        missing you kapatid!

        gigay

  4. Zahara Says:

    Keep writing, write down all the stuff you wanna say to your friends, let it all out that way, let the words out, let the tears flow.
    And yes, I think you are coping, and you shouldn’t judge yourself about whether you’re coping correctly or not. We deal with stuff when we’re ready. I think you’re doing great, it’s obvious that you love your mom. Continue to tell your story. Story has value and so do you.


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