I’ve always had the habit of apologizing to my friends for sharing my feelings/problems with them. I’m well aware that everyone has their own daily burdens to deal with and in my head, I didn’t want to add to their worries by telling them “Hey, today I’m feeling crappy. Wanna hear all about it?” But more importantly, I’ve come to realize a much more important fact—THAT way of thinking is a disservice to my friends. They are the most wonderful people ever and it’s an insult to think that they wouldn’t want me to open up to them. They would’ve left a long time ago if they didn’t want to be with me, right? So, thank you to all my friends…both old & new.
Friends, do I talk about mama often? I know I’m not the most open person ever but I’m not sure if I discuss her much.
Mother’s Day is just around the corner. It’ll be this Sunday, May 09. But to me, May 09 will be known as just plain ‘ol Sunday & nothing more. You see, I haven’t celebrated Mother’s Day in 13 years. Frankly, I don’t remember much from those dark days in December of 1997. Help me out here Kris B., ito ba ay: avoidance? dissociation? repression? or suppression?
There are a few things that I do remember. Did you guys know…
- That I went to Batangas with Owa and two balikbayan relatives on the day mama had an attack?
- That in Batangas one of the relatives we visited had a funeral parlor business and I kept looking (or tried to avoid looking) at a certain white casket? (mama’s casket eventually was white)
- That mama was eating xmas ham for brunch as we left that day?
- That I can clearly recall looking at her & saying goodbye from the door as I left…and that was the last time I saw her alive?
- That the outfit I wore to that trip to Batangas…I never wore again?
- That she was in a coma for a week and I only visited her 3 times? (once with family, once with Josette and the other time with Ula)
- That nobody asked for my opinion on whether they should cut life support or not? After a week, they just did. I wasn’t there.
- That I was reading Judith McKnaught’s “Whitney, My Love” during the wake? (Oh and Dan noticed)
- That I didn’t cry at the funeral?
- That her things are still inside her closet?
- That I weighed my lightest at the time? (111 pounds!)
- That Wolfgang’s “Wurm” album was my soundtrack for that period? That album was released on Dec. 23, 1997 & I bought my copy at national bookstore in greenhills. It was properly & rightfully played at full volume inside my bedroom at all times.
When mama was still around, we always went to Robinson’s Galleria for malling and we would always hear Saturday mass at 5:30pm. After her passing, I continued hearing mass there if I had Saturday duty at work. One particular Saturday, upon noticing the empty seat beside me, I felt so overwhelmed with sadness that I thought I was going to burst into tears during the mass.
There was another time 2 or 3 years ago when I was fixing my bookshelf and saw the snow globe (those things with water & glitter in it?) gift she gave me one Christmas…and right there, with no warning whatsoever, I cried. Sometimes I’ll be in the shower and all of a sudden I’ll cry.
I read somewhere that, “You never really get over it, but you do get used to it.” I guess that’s why 13 years on, it still feels like yesterday. You’ll have good days, and you’ll have bad days. Sometimes you’ll think about it, sometimes you won’t. There will always be that hole where you mother used to be. No matter how much time has passed, you will always notice the empty space she left behind…more so during special occasions like mother’s day, her birthday, Christmas…
I don’t know what I want to achieve by writing this. I can’t even promise that after this, everything will be fine & dandy. (mental note: everything IS fine naman when I think about it.) Like I said, there’ll be good days & bad ones. Hmm…I guess I should end this post on a positive note right? But what if I can’t think of anything chipper to say? When I started writing this, I only saw the beginning…but I never gave much thought on how to end it. I guess I’ll just say that I love my mom & I miss her very much. I’ll always think about her & keep her in my prayers. And again, thank you to all of you whom I always turn to when things get a bit depressing.
ps: I’m supposed to have a photo of her scanned & placed here…but I don’t have a scanner & I wanted to post this already. =)