Musings from the Mosh Pit…

Thoughts. Tales. Travels. Whatever.

Mama May 7, 2010

Filed under: family affair,personal,thoughts — fizzywoohoo @ 3:15 pm
Tags: ,

Note 1:

I’ve always had the habit of apologizing to my friends for sharing my feelings/problems with them. I’m well aware that everyone has their own daily burdens to deal with and in my head, I didn’t want to add to their worries by telling them “Hey, today I’m feeling crappy. Wanna hear all about it?” But more importantly, I’ve come to realize a much more important fact—THAT way of thinking is a disservice to my friends. They are the most wonderful people ever and it’s an insult to think that they wouldn’t want me to open up to them. They would’ve left a long time ago if they didn’t want to be with me, right? So, thank you to all my friends…both old & new.

Note 2:

Friends, do I talk about mama often? I know I’m not the most open person ever but I’m not sure if I discuss her much.

**********

Mother’s Day is just around the corner. It’ll be this Sunday, May 09. But to me, May 09 will be known as just plain ‘ol Sunday & nothing more. You see, I haven’t celebrated Mother’s Day in 13 years. Frankly, I don’t remember much from those dark days in December of 1997. Help me out here Kris B., ito ba ay: avoidance? dissociation? repression? or suppression?

There are a few things that I do remember. Did you guys know…

  • That I  went to Batangas with Owa and two balikbayan relatives on the day mama had an attack?
  • That in Batangas one of the relatives we visited had a funeral parlor business and I kept looking (or tried to avoid looking) at a certain white casket? (mama’s casket eventually was white)
  • That mama was eating xmas ham for brunch as we left that day?
  • That I can clearly recall looking at her & saying goodbye from the door as I left…and that was the last time I saw her alive?
  • That the outfit I wore to that trip to Batangas…I never wore again?
  • That she was in a coma for a week and I only visited her 3 times? (once with family, once with Josette and the other time with Ula)
  • That nobody asked for my opinion on whether they should cut life support or not? After a week, they just did. I wasn’t there.
  • That I was reading Judith McKnaught’s “Whitney, My Love” during the wake? (Oh and Dan noticed)
  • That I didn’t cry at the funeral?
  • That her things are still inside her closet?
  • That I weighed my lightest at the time? (111 pounds!)
  • That Wolfgang’s “Wurm” album was my soundtrack for that period? That album was released on Dec. 23, 1997 & I bought my copy at national bookstore in greenhills. It was properly & rightfully played at full volume inside my bedroom at all times.

When mama was still around, we always went to Robinson’s Galleria for malling and we would always hear Saturday mass at 5:30pm. After her passing, I continued hearing mass there if I had Saturday duty at work. One particular Saturday, upon noticing the empty seat beside me, I felt so overwhelmed with sadness that I thought I was going to burst into tears during the mass.

There was another time 2 or 3 years ago when I was fixing my bookshelf and saw the snow globe (those things with water & glitter in it?) gift she gave me one Christmas…and right there, with no warning whatsoever, I cried. Sometimes I’ll be in the shower and all of a sudden I’ll cry.

I read somewhere that, “You never really get over it, but you do get used to it.” I guess that’s why 13 years on, it still feels like yesterday. You’ll have good days, and you’ll have bad days. Sometimes you’ll think about it, sometimes you won’t. There will always be that hole where you mother used to be. No matter how much time has passed, you will always notice the empty space she left behind…more so during special occasions like mother’s day, her birthday, Christmas…

I don’t know what I want to achieve by writing this. I can’t even promise that after this, everything will be fine & dandy. (mental note: everything IS fine naman when I think about it.) Like I said, there’ll be good days & bad ones. Hmm…I guess I should end this post on a positive note right? But what if I can’t think of anything chipper to say? When I started writing this, I only saw the beginning…but I never gave much thought on how to end it. I guess I’ll just say that I love my mom & I miss her very much. I’ll always think about her & keep her in my prayers. And again, thank you to all of you whom I always turn to when things get a bit depressing.

ps: I’m supposed to have a photo of her scanned & placed here…but I don’t have a scanner & I wanted to post this already. =)

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14 Responses to “Mama”

  1. ula Says:

    this almost brought me to tears… erase that.. IT DID…
    I remember visiting your mom with you at the hospital and how we took a bus back home in silence…
    I remember visiting the wake and wished I had visited more..
    I remember the burial, it was a weekday I think, because it was in the morning and sort of remember being glad i didn’t have a class then…

    You know what memory of your mom I hold the most, it’s the time we went to white beach in zambales for their company outing.. I don’t know why, but I just always go back to that memory of her..

    I really hope this blog will help you heal Fizz… you’re strong and even if we don’t get to talk much anymore, I AM STILL here whenever you feel like it ok, ninang?

    P.S. ANG GALENG MO MAGSULAT! hahahaha IDOL!

    • fizzywoohoo Says:

      hi ula! alam mo i do remember you going w/ me but i don’t see it in my head? gets mo? like i know it happened but i can’t extract a memory/picture of it in my head? hay..repression nga ata ito. pero alam mo, i don’t think you were there sa funeral. she was buried on a saturday and i think it was only fay, ava & mae who were there. si fay nag tricycle, si ava had her parents waiting in the car & si mae was in her lite-ace van. naku, correct me if i’m wrong ha baka naman you were & my mind is playing tricks on me again. but i do remember you & sumi visiting sa chapel…si sumi was in a green gatorade (?) shirt pa nga.

      yeah, i only have 1 picture of you & i during that trip…but i swear, no recollection whatsoever. alam mo, ang daming things ko ng di naaalala with her (shet, naiyak ako bigla). when i was writing this nga i was trying to remember how she sounds like…it’s vague in my head. =(

      as to the writing…nye…thanks. thank you. that’s nice to hear and i appreciate it. mwah, mwah! =)

      • ula Says:

        hmmm talaga? parang i remember being in the burial eh… is she buried in like a hilly part of loyola… hmmm correct me if i’m wrong… i have vague visions of it being in a vague area, and were you wearing white?…
        hmmmm if i wasnt there, sorry 😦

      • fizzywoohoo Says:

        ula! korek ka…it is on a hilly part! and i was wearing white! oh dear, maybe you were there and i just can’t recall. so sorry….thanks ha? and don’t be sorry! i should be the one nga kasi i can’t remember stuff. hehehe…=) (wait, how do i put smileys on here?)

      • ula Says:

        i don’t know how i put a smiley! i think its automatic if you put : + ) 🙂 try mo nga?

  2. iheart JStJames Says:

    Aubrey here, i’ve known you for a while but didn’t know much about your personal life, although i’m hoping we could get to know each other more whether thru fb, email, this blog or in person…

    I also didn’t know this part of yourself, should’ve known this sooner coz i definitely can relate to it since my mom died eight years ago this May… i also do this, write a post about my mom on Mother’s Day. I’d usually include the lyrics to the song that we, my brothers and i, used to sing for our mom on Mother’s Day, well not really sing like sing, we just play the tape then we sing along with it for her.

    Don’t know if it’s better the way it happened with you, that you knew she had little time left, but i can only imagine the paid you must’ve had, knowing she’s about to leave you. But with me, i had no idea that the morning i left to go to my first day training in 2P is also her last day alive. I definitely had no idea that it was that worse and that she didn’t have much time anymore. I didn’t even have much sleep that day because I spent all night looking after her coz she’s sick. We usually don’t sleep together, but that night I slept beside her. But my relatives said it’s ok they’re gonna bring her to the hospital and she’d be fine. They said I shouldn’t worry and just go to my training then go visit my mom at the hospital after work. Then I received an overseas call from my dad when I was on my way home. I don’t know why but I became so anxious, he said the visiting hours were over and I should just go home and watch over my brother. I was with Rea that time. Then I got home and there…

    I know how it feels everytime you remember your mom. I still remember her most of the time. And when I do, tears usually come with it. Just like how it is now… =( But I’m ok. Like I’m already used to the pain. She’s the greatest mom ever. My friends even envy me for having someone like her, when most of them don’t get along fine with their parents. But know what, they’re still luckier than us. They still have a chance to show their love to their moms. Not that I didn’t show her my love when she’s still alive coz I did. A lot. But I just wish I could’ve had more time… I miss her…

    I’m sorry it’s like I created my own wall post on your blog, and not just a comment. Maybe I should create that post now in my blog. =)

    • fizzywoohoo Says:

      au! thanks for visiting & for sharing. i’m glad that we’re still keeping in touch even though we’re both no longer with 2P–thanks to fb and our love for koreanovelas & jdoramas! sayang, i wish i’d known this about you while i was still there..it would’ve been nice to have someone to talk to at work. tagal na din palang wala ang mommy mo. funny pareho din tayo because first day mo sa 2P when it happened, ako naman i was supposed to start work with 2P ng december kaso it happened so they made me come to work january na, which was 2 weeks after the funeral.

      so this is the month your mom passed away. ako naman, birthday ni mama sa may 17, one week after mother’s day.

      i still get envious of others who still have their moms. yung 40 yr old girl who sits beside me at work…sometimes i hear her on the phone talking to her mom & stuff and i get inggit. part of me still wishes it didn’t happen. kasi now that i’m earning money, gusto i’ll buy her stuff and whatnot. pero on the other hand, ok lang din na nangyari. may magagawa ba ako pag ginusto na ni lord? wala diba?

      sige lang, comment lang ng comment! kahit mahaba oks lang! this is what the blog is for…para i can connect with my friends!

  3. iheart JStJames Says:

    *pain you must’ve had

  4. lanilakwatsera Says:

    Ei.
    This almost made me cry.
    I guess this is the best thing about blogging…you get to know stuff about your friends.
    You do know that I don’t have the best relationship with my mom. Reading your post made me sit back and think of how much I pretty take my mom for granted.

    You are really brave, Fizz for having the heart to share this with us.
    Just think that you have your guardian angel always watching over you and praying for blessings in your behalf.

    • fizzywoohoo Says:

      Hey Lans! Thanks for writing in. No, I didn’t really know that you don’t have the best relationship with your mom. I do want to say though that part of the reason why I had mixed feelings about writing this in the first place is that I didn’t want to make others feel conscious about their relationships with their moms. I don’t want to sound like I’m being preachy and that everyone else should start getting along with their moms and stuff…because everyone else still has theirs & I no longer have mine. I mean look at me…I write these things about my mom…and yet I have no immediate intentions of improving my relationship with my dad. I couldn’t care less actually. But if others feel that what I wrote helped in some way, then that’s nice and I’m glad. =)

  5. gigay Says:

    aww… fizzy… times like this when I really wish we could still each other often so that I could give you a hug… true, it will never even reach a tenth of the emptiness you feel because of your mom being gone… but do know that you have your core group… Ava… Ula… Sumi and the rest of the gang to be there for you… and of course lil ol me… at the side as well as your new girlfriend… lans… KNOW that we are always here for you….

    I miss you my friend… and perhaps this blog of yours will be able to assist you in healing… The loss will definitely be permanent… but it will lessen the degree of pain as time goes on… because you will learn how to cope with the pain and loss…. Please do not heistate to call me anytime if you need me…. lam mo naman that I’m always here for you… although I am swamp with family commitments… we can still talk…. love you kapatid…

  6. gigay Says:

    nga pala… I want a copy of the picture you posted here… made me remember of Stephie… Sana when she grows up we’ll still be close…


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